Chinaxioms

Axioms can help a lot to simplify daily decisions and make life easier. Coming to China has put me in a new position where I had to reevaluate all the axioms I thought to be self-evident. Nevertheless, after a year, I’ve found that these few things can be generally accepted as true… at least in China.

1.     If it’s a simple problem, then I’ll make it my problem.

BUT if it’s a difficult problem, then it’s your problem.

Frustrating regardless of the problem you have, the axiom is probably the most common. If I have a simple question about something as basic as what day is spring festival, everybody will answer me at the same time, ironically complicating this simple answer. If somebody is sick, everybody and their mother and their mother’s mother will flock to give the most mind-dullingly obvious advice such as, “you should rest,” “wear more clothes,” or simply, “maybe you should see the doctor.” So when you feel very much in control of the situation, you are battered with help until you have a new problem that you can’t fix.

Nevertheless, when you have a problem like, the very NON-hypothetical, leaking apartment above you, there is nobody to give you any help. The upstairs neighbor isn’t at home, their next-door neighbor closes the door without even responding when you ask for the missing culprit’s phone number, and your building manager says that the problem is between you and the neighbor. It seems that the fear of failure and nebulous sense of responsibility create the perfect storm for people to just pass the buck on big problems and play superhero in the face of a simple problem.

2.     The most obvious solution is taken before the best solution

Often, the only difference between the first solution and the best solution is a matter of 5 minutes of reflection before acting.  Legend has it that Abraham Lincoln once said, “If I had eight hours to cut down a tree, I’d spend the first six sharpening my axe.” In China, the attitude is more like, “If I had eight hours to cut down a tree, then… whack!, whack!, whack!, whack!, whack!…” Last year, my friend’s bathroom light burned out.  As further proof of axiom number one, her school got involved with the banal task of replacing a light bulb. The electrician came, but he didn’t have the proper light bulb for the replacement.  No worries however, because he had another bulb with a new socket to match.  He then proceeded to rip the previous socket out of the ceiling, wire in the new socket, and replace the bulb.  Unfortunately, this socket used a different current than the previous socket, and her light bulbs were now burning out every 3-4 days.  When she called back to report this new, bigger problem, the response was… “then replace the bulbs every 3-4 days. Then there is no problem.”

3.     Chinese women are pretty pathetic

This axiom is of course more of a generalization, but it is nevertheless a widely true one. Coming from a society which promotes strong, independent women, AND a subculture where the women will often outperform the men, it is very shocking how horribly pathetic the “women” are here. I’m amazed when girls here shy away from stopping a slowly rolling basketball, miss class for stomachaches, and live with their coddling parents until the day they become dependent on their new husband. Not only will girls sport crutches when they have a scraped knee, but they will whine about it as well. For some reason, the word for “pathetic” doesn’t translate well into Chinese… nevertheless, there is a word in Chinese for “faking being pathetic” which doesn't translate well into English. Fake pathetic-ness is unfortunately seen as cute and attractive by a lot of girls and some boys, who prefer to fulfill the complimentary chauvinist role in the relationship with their whiney, dependant, and clingy girlfriends.

I’m regularly asked, “Do you want to marry a Chinese girl?” To be honest, I would happily marry a girl of Chinese ethnicity, but as far as the typical woman with a Chinese view of ‘femininity’ goes, I find Chinese women pretty pathetic. There is a strong case to be made however for the toughness of country women here. It seems that (at least in Guizhou province) a Chinese woman will either have a sense of self-reliance or a formal education... there's not much overlap to the Venn diagram.

4.     Leopard print is never ever fashionable.

This isn’t just a Chinese axiom, but I’m more and more reminded of it when I go out daily and see somebody who thinks that “matching” implies a 100% fabric and pattern overlap. Not only is this person confusing equivalence and matching, but they have also chosen to wrap themselves in a low-quality imitation of an animal who has itself adapted so that others wouldn’t notice the pattern it was wearing. The camouflage of a leopard should not be the bold statement of a human… unless that statement is, “I am pretending to be a large feline predator hiding in the jungle!”

Chinamerican Differences 10102

1.     If there is one thing that I hate more than reality TV and facebook, it’s CSPAN. As someone who seeks meaning in life, CSPAN stands against everything I believe in. When I scan channels, I always shudder when the screen is just that same empty congress room with papers spread out on the desks. It’s a sad truth that a filibuster is quite possibly the most exciting thing ever broadcasted on CSPAN.  What’s worse, is that there are multiple CSPAN channels, showing different shades of the same boring grey.  In China however, when the new leaders of China were ‘selected’ for the communist party, the equivalent of CSPAN was actually broadcasted on over half of the channels.  The TV I was watching had 49 different channels, and over 30 were the exact same image and sound. In addition to this, the English channel was also covering the ceremony, but with dubbed audio. I didn’t know how good we had it in America with only four CSPANs.

2.     I always loved playing telephone when I was little. For me, as is the case for most people, the most fun part of this game is when the original phrase become something totally different. This is actually the only game I enjoyed losing, because if we ‘succeeded’ in telephoning the phrase correctly, it wouldn’t be any fun. I don’t know why, but my students don’t find this aspect of the game fun. Unaware that there could possibly be any goal other than prompt task completion, they will, with the grace and poise of a beached whale, try to shout the sentence to the last person in the line. When stripped of the ability to blatantly cheat, the students will just freeze up in line, saying, “I don’t understand.”

3.     I’ve been in China for about 1.5 years now, and I am still very much perceived as a foreigner.  For more on this, please read the rant… I mean post… entitled, “White on Rice.” Nevertheless, last year, one of my colleagues got a job volunteer teaching in Kentucky. This has provided me with a similar barometer for what the inverse to my work here is. She has reported back to me some funny things, such as, “It’s stressful to have so few people around” or “No strangers come up to me asking questions” or “American football is funny.”  Most recently, during the election, she was asked who she voted for. When she said she was Chinese and couldn’t vote, her students were shocked because they figured that if she was in America, she must be American. One student logically concluded that if she wasn’t American, she must be in America illegally.  I guess the American equivalent of the ethnic exclusion I encounter as a Laowai in China is a total ethnic subsumption into being either an American or an illegal in America.

White on Rice

As I walk to the checkout counter with a bag full of fresh vegetables, toothpaste, oreos, and 6 liters of boxed milk, I hear two voices behind me having an interesting discussion, “Kan waiguoren!” “Ni jeude ta shi nali de?” “Keneng ta shi jianada de. Ta hen shuai.” “Ta ting de dong ma?” “Ta ting bu dong.” (Look at that foreigner! Where do you think he’s from?  Maybe he’s from Canada. He’s handsome. Does he understand? No, he can’t understand.)  Being mistaken for a Canadian and having my good looks wrongly credited, I slowly turn around and add, “Wo ting de dong zhongwen,” (I understand Chinese.)  Besides scoring yet another point for America being the best looking country in the world, my goal, of course, is to embarrass the two girls so they realize that it is rude to assume ignorance.  Nevertheless, as was the case the last 15 times I tried to embarrass someone for assuming I can’t understand Chinese, the two voices respond in unison, “WOAH! Ta hui shuo women de zhongwen!” (Wow! He can speak ‘our’ Chinese!)  With that, I go from a monkey buying groceries to talking monkey buying groceries and continue my day.

Since coming to China, there are some things that I have gotten used to such as cramming onto buses in a disorderly fashion, firecrackers at sunrise, and bargaining for items which have a publically displayed fixed price.  One thing I have not gotten used to, and actually have more and more trouble getting over, is the extreme stereotyping of westerners.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, generalizing is a huge issue here in Kaili, and is only surpassed in frequency by stereotyping.  I try to pick my battles wisely, but sometimes I am dragged to the front lines and given no choice in the matter.  When in the act of successfully eating with chopsticks, I am still asked, “Can you use chopsticks?”  After responding with the mind-blowing truth, “Yes. I learned at a young age.  Most Americans can. We often use chopsticks to eat Oriental food in America,” the inquisitor will still disagree with their direct experience citing a solitary 5^th hand story to the contrary.

In addition to lacking the motor skills to pinch two sticks together, here’s a brief list of all the thing I’ve learned about Americans since coming to China.

-We only eat bread. (I’m sometimes asked if I have any bread on my person and feel genuinely expected to respond, “Yes, of course! Would you like some?”)

-We all have guns.  (‘All’ is not hyperbole.  They really mean 100%.  I got in a debate with a man in a train telling me I was wrong and his TV was right.)

-We can’t eat spicy food.

-We don’t drink tea.

-We are all fat, rich, and white.

-We are all beautiful… despite apparently also all being fat?

-We love to find Chinese wives.

-We only shower in the morning.

These are only the absolutes projected onto Americans.  In a society where nobody has a real experience with someone from another country, every nationality is the victim of a stereotype that can endure logical argument like cockroaches in Chernobyl: Japanese, Northern Chinese, Africans, women, teachers, 23 year olds…  You’d think you were in a UPS shop, the way people are putting everything so neatly into boxes over here.  The most unfortunate thing about all this is that all my stereotypes are made on first sight because my white skin christens me, “Laowai” (Foreigner).  Sometimes, I forget that I’m not Chinese, but in 5 minutes, a local is sure to remind me by saying to nobody in particular, “Laowai,” “Waiguoren,” or simply “Hello,” because every white person is from an English speaking country.

This is definitely a new perspective for me, now that I am part of the .00001% minority in city whose only other experience with foreigners has been filtered through a Mao ze Dong approved firewall.

What’s the difference between a Chinese hospital and a Chinese train station?

I recently had the unfortunate experience of getting my blood taken in a Chinese hospital.  My health is fine… or at least it was when I went into the hospital – I’m not sure about it now that I’ve been to sanitary hell and back though.

To imagine this situation accurately, picture the room from the first Saw film, but the size of a tennis court. In the middle of the side wall, add a glass window similar to the teller at a movie theatre.  Behind the glass are two 17-year-old Chinese girls who are learning how to take blood by trial and error… (Good news and bad news: Fortunately, they have lots of practice, because taking blood is the standard method of diagnosing anything and everything. Unfortunately, these brainiacs ended up taking blood because they failed their middle-school completion exams and went to a 2-year preparatory program to be doctor’s aides.) 

Now to this setting, add about 200 people. Half of them are sick, and the other half are unnecessary space occupiers in order to reaffirm the ever-too-real stereotype that Chinese people never do anything alone. (A student will leave class with a stomachache [ridiculous in the first place, I know] and need a friend to accompany her to the doctor’s). All of these people are crowding around the ‘ticket window’ like a bunch of high-school girls buying tickets to the midnight show of Twilight. In no line whatsoever, they are shoving their bare arms through the window as soon as the last person takes their arm out. After giving blood, a cotton swab is provided to help stop the bleeding.  Of course, when the bleeding does stop, there is no need for the now-bloody swab, which is thrown onto the floor where is rests indefinitely as a biological weapon directly targeting my mental well-being. This isn’t the most pressing threat to your health however, because all of a sudden, a giant tetanus wheelbarrow barrels by carrying what appears to be the oldest and dustiest personal computers in the world.

So…What’s the difference between a Chinese hospital and a Chinese train station?

NOTHING! Except a Chinese hospital is full of sick people!

Dr. Trigg Prescribes 7 Basic Rules to Develop Your Society Overnight

To help China and other developing countries with their development, I've thought up 7 simple policies to dramatically develop a society.

If you’ve traveled to a developing country, I’m sure you’ve seen the small three-wheeled carts which are carrying a pile of bags that are haphazardly lashed together in a mound about the size of two elephants, engulfing the driver and most of the cart.

1.     Therefore, excluding the weight of the passenger, motorized vehicles should never carry any load that is heavier than the vehicle itself.

After overhearing the ill-founded, racist judgments of a local farmer on a train, I have come up with this simple rule of thumb… (or rule of mouth if you will).

2.     You need at least 10 teeth in your mouth to publically express your views on international issues.

Respect the laws of time. Trains all leave on a schedule of some kind, and the sun rises at different times than in your capital city. 

3.     Accordingly putting clocks in train stations and accepting separate time-zones should not be sloughed off as an unnecessary concession to the ever-so-burdensome spacetime.

If you need megaphones to constantly blast a soundtrack reminding citizens to act “civilized,” it is a pretty blatant admission that your society is NOT civilized. 

4.     Therefore, to at least allow for the false appearance of development, you should do away with all pamphlets, megaphones, and personnel in charge of publicizing the current lack of civilization in your area.

After cautiously padding through the bloody runoff akin to the aftermath of a Mayan sacrificial ceremony, I advise developing societies that…

5.     There should be mandatory distance put between the slaughtering grounds of all live-poultry markets and pedestrian walkways.

Possibly the most simple and dramatic change in your society can be made by accepting the fact that any driver who sustains a honked horn for more than 5-seconds is clearly unaware of what a horn was actually invented for.

6.     Therefore, cars should be rigged with sensors that force-eject drivers after 5-seconds of a honked horn.

Lastly, there is a fine line between breathing in polluted air and breathing in aired pollution. To mitigate one person’s harmful effect on the air other people breath, an equilibrium should be maintained between the air pollution from cars and from cigarettes.

7.     Therefore, the “drive to survive” program will give citizens the choice to own a car OR smoke cigarettes.

With these 7 steps, your society will instantly develop to the point where you can then implement the much more complicated, “waiting in line” policy, where people will… well I don’t want to spoil it… but I’ll just say that it works wonders.