Me Hear no Understand!

I just got back from a 5-day visit of the city where I will be working
for the next two years, and from what I saw, it is an absolutely
fantastic place to live. The whole city is about the size of a large
university campus, and a 25-minute walk in any given direction will
lead you straight into the robust, mountainous wilderness that
surrounds the city. The university where I am teaching is tucked away
in the mountains and can only be reached by taking a 20-minute bus for
teachers and students. I wish I could say more about Kaili, but I was
inadvertently kidnapped and accidentally placed under house arrest by
my new host-family, who actually felt that they were acting out of my
best interest by not letting me leave the house between 11:30am and
3:30pm. This restriction plus a 'somewhat' more reasonable curfew of
10pm till 10am every night led to me finishing about 500 pages of my
book, studying a lot of 普通话, and firmly annihilating any sleep debt I
might have accumulated in 4 years of college. I tried to tell my host
brother that I did not share his passion for computer games (the only
activity that prevented him from doing absolutely nothing at all and
fading out of existence), but he did not understand my alien desire to
not spend all day in one room. A few other notable misunderstandings
arose over the course of the 4 days I spent with my new host-family:
The first misunderstanding was between me and myself. Apparently, I
didn't know when I was and was not hungry; rather, my host mother was
the only person privy to this information. The second was between me
and my host family. My limited ability to speak Mandarin gave them
the impression that I could speak fluently in the Guizhou dialect.
They would speak to meet at speeds which even native Chinese speakers
would have difficulty understanding and then be shocked when I would
respond, "Wo ting bu dong," (Me hear no understand). The third is
between me and watermelon. I always perceived watermelon to be one of
the most uncontroversial fruits in existence, but it has now become
one of my greatest enemies. He/she strikes only when I'm not at all
hungry, have just washed my hands, and have nowhere to spit seeds.
Also, he/she always comes in large hoards to ensure that even if the
first two slices were refreshing, the 3rd and 4th will make me finish
my dinner with a stomach ache, sticky hands, and stains on my shirt.
Lastly, I think there is some misunderstanding between some Chinese
people and themselves. I fail to understand how anyone can understand
a language perfectly and still be unable to speak it. Physical
deficiencies aside, somebody who watches TV in Mandarin, listens to
music in Mandarin, and understands the American living in their home
speaking Mandarin should be able to squeak out a few Mandarin words
from time to time to ease communication. Oddly enough, I learned that
this is not the case, and absolute, one-way language abilities can be
fully perfected if one makes a notable effort to totally avoid
speaking the understood language. All misunderstandings aside, the
story ends well, because I did succeed in breaking out of the confines
of my home long enough to hit up some Mahjong tables, swim in a nearby
river, and check out my new apartment. I am pretty psyched about next
year and can't wait to get started.